The Pressure to Write

I haven't blogged lately despite having lots of material, because I just haven't been in the mood or the zone. 

Last Saturday we went to a "carpet market" - I have STUNNING photos from that, as anyone who is friend's with me on Facebook may already know, but apart from a solitary #SilentSunday post, I have not shared it with you.

We had an amazing day in the park on Sunday and yet I did not blog about that either.  Our new best friend "Bob" went everywhere with us and posed for some great shots.

Early on this week I discovered I was £130 overdrawn which is now £200.

I have not been overdrawn since probably 2007.  It's come as a big shock, and makes me question my status as a SAHM, AND the way I used my redundancy money.

It's good to NOT have regrets, but I have spent the whole week regretting so so so many things, and it didn't leave me with the words to describe ANY of my feelings in an eloquent manner.

Once upon a time my blog was a cathartic place where I could share everything and anything but as the standard of blogging improves beyond measure, I am often felt feeling that unless I can write a masterpiece I should just keep my thoughts to myself.

Older Mum wrote a truly fabulous colourful post for a linky she's invented called #OnceUponATime.  I read it, and immediately wanted to write a post that I could link up.  I even wrote the first two paragraphs of it, but whereas her post sounded multi-dimesional, and so full of energy and spice, mine sounded flat.... I decided to walk away from the computer and go to bed.

Today, I have seen that BritMums yesterday announced the Bloggers' Keynote Lineup...

Again, super posts.... but I am not always in the mood to write a super post and am far from a writer.

I wish I could write like nobody was reading, like I once did.  So many posts get edited in my head before I write them, and by edited I mean, so much so, that they don't see the light of the keyboard AT ALL...

I think:
"oh that would sound depressing"
or
"that would make me sound like such and such"
or
"do I really want to share THAT"
or
"don't have regrets - THAT sounds like you do"

etc etc etc....

I EVEN don't write the positive posts, because I think that makes me sound like I am happy, when today I know that I am not.  For example, I could write a positive post on Monday about something that happened on Sunday, but if I am not FEELING it on Monday, I find it HARD to write it, as I am very authentic and DON'T write things if I am not feeling it.

I also find it very HARD spending lots of time on the blog when I know it is not making me any money and I know I am BROKE....

I still don't want to go back to work, but I NEED to do SOMETHING....

And there again I come back to the subject heading, the pressure to write.

I am not at all a born writer, so I can't even make that lucrative.... so what on Earth do I do....?

I hope God, or a Guide or an Angel, or even a Fairy at the bottom of the garden will provide an answer and hopefully soon-ish.

Oh and as an aside, I keep missing stages of Aaron's development that I ought to record on here.  He reaches a new milestone nearly every week, and I think I'll record them, and then we're on to the next one and I have forgotten about the one before.  A few weeks before I promised myself I would blog about his Norovirus for anyone else who may go through it, for information.  I never did and now I have forgotten too many of the details.

I'd love this to be a record of so many things - even the weather - so I can look back at it in the years to come, but it just misses too many bits of life, and the inner journeys, out.

I need to decide where I am headed, both in life and with this blog...

Liska xx