The prompt for the 100 words is this photo:
Every hurtful comment, every action that shows a lack of understanding, all the evidence of a lack of empathy, all bring me closer to the edge.
I look down, and all I see is a big drop. I look forward and just see the sea. I look back and it is all just stone, and a cold terrain.
The atmosphere is barren; my mind is at a loss.
The emptiness and silence is deafening.
The only green shoots are too far away to touch!
Life is cold and threatening. The drop seems welcoming.
The cold water seems to beckon me...
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"Take two" based on feedback given in the comments below, from this blogger. I have now rewritten as follows:
Hurtful comments, actions born from a complete lack of understanding, no attempt at any empathy, void of all respect, all bring me closer to the edge.
I look down, and all I see is a big drop. I look forward and just see the sea. I look back and it is all just stone, and a cold terrain.
The atmosphere is barren; my mind is at a loss.
The emptiness and silence is deafening.
The only green shoots are too far away to touch!
Life is cold and threatening. The drop seems welcoming.
The cold water seems to beckon me...
Oh boy! I hope he/she doesn't do it. I wonder what the character went through to feel this way ...
ReplyDeletehe/she is me. xx
DeleteSuperb writing. I would imagine that this is quite an accurate description of what it feels like. (Thanks for the mention btw)
ReplyDeleteMy pleasure x
DeleteI love the deafening silence, the welcoming drop.
ReplyDeleteI'm not so sure about the first paragraph. I feel the hurtful comments have much more power than "actions that show...evidence...lack of. .."
I have now rewritten it; I hope it works better now, as above.
DeleteYes, I feel the rhythm is better now. The "actions born from.." still seem long, compared to the other sentences. I realise this may be a personal preference, but I think the short staccato sentences make it much more compelling: "I look down.. I look forward..." etc. Gives the story a sort of hypnotic feeling? Almost fatalistic.
DeleteI was thinking along the lines of: Each hurtful brings me closer to the edge. Every cold look thrusts me forward. Every silence gives me a push. Sorry, I hope you don't mind my suggestions.
"Life is cold and threatening. The drop seems welcoming." is setting the bar pretty high, I guess :-).
That was really beautiful, and really evoked a sense of loneliness and despair. On looking at the image again, I wonder if there isn't also a certain courage and freeness, in being strong enough to sit in a terrifying place, and yet be calm. To refuse to drop into the void, to sit and observe. Everything has different perspective, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteThank you - your words have made me feel tonnes better xx
DeleteAnd you've inspired me to join in! Just posted. xx
DeleteOh the poor man, I can feel his pain. I do hope he doesn't jump though
ReplyDeleteEeeee I will keep you informed as he is me.
DeleteLiska x
P.S. thanks for visiting
x
I keep seeing this linky and I love what you have written. A, going to have to join in I think. X
ReplyDelete