Inner Truth - Week Two

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Over to me.  Well to kick-start my inner journey I am on a detox.  In theory as I started on Saturday 10th March, today is day 3.  However both Saturday and Sunday I cheated.

I discovered that it wasn't food cravings or hunger that made me cheat.  No!

It was emotions.... we often eat for emotional reasons.

On Saturday I stuck to the detox all morning.  I had the quart (2 pints) salt water flush, first thing, which involves drinking water with 2 teaspoons of sea salt in it.   I found it surprisingly easy.  Despite what all the forums say, I didn't need to hold my nose or use a straw.

Within 4 hours of being up I'd already had 4 x 10oz glasses of "lemonade" but then my husband was taking Aaron to the in-laws and when Aaron said goodbye to me, I had tears in my eyes so he ran back twice to give me extra hugs.  When he finally left I sobbed (one reason being that I am currently not speaking to my sister-in-law and it felt like my son was going somewhere that I cannot go - this has been the case since 1st January 2012 yet it took a detox for it to really bother me).  It's like there's a part of your tummy area that is more vulnerable if it is not weighted down with food - I can't explain it, but as I used to do a detox every year up until 2006, I recognised the feeling.

Back on Thursday night on the way home from work, I had fancied a bag of crisps, and stopped into the local off license.   He was doing 5 bags for a £1 as the date on them was 10th March.  I knew I was starting the detox Saturday so I should have ensured I finished them Thursday night and Friday, or got husband to eat some.

Anyway when Aaron left on Saturday afternoon, there were 2 packets left in the cupboard, and the minute the car drove away I shovelled them down me.  It was such a strange sensation as I have never binge eaten and never had secret drawers of food but I was eating them like they were contraband.

Anyway in Winter I can't put clothes on the washing line and we don't have a tumble dryer so I did my new trick (that I've been doing a few weeks now) and packed all the laundry for the laundrette.  On the way there I needed to go to a shop for 20ps and I never ask for change without buying something - it didn't even enter my head to get a magazine, I bought crisps - monster munch! And ate them whilst reading my kindle, while in the laundrette.

So that was my 3rd bag of the day, on my 1st day of my detox!!!!!!!!!!

When I came back I felt bad so I only had 2 glasses of "lemonade" between that and bedtime.  Meaning I had 6 glasses in the whole day.  The book says you have to have anything between 6 and 12.  I thought I'd be closer to 12.  Funny that I had 4 in just the morning and yet finished on 6 in the whole day, but I didn't think I should have more, given my cheating.....

Sugar I just remembered why I didn't have room for anymore lemonade........... errrrrmmmmm hubby had a jar of chocolate spread in the cupboard.......... and I spied it......... and I had TWO slices of brown bread with it on, in the evening.  I never have chocolate spread with butter but I had that too! And given it was the first non crisps, non liquid thing I'd had all day, it kept me full for about 6 hours - true what they say about wheat, it was really bloating....

On day 2 I only had 5 glasses of "lemonade", because I cheated again.  This time with 2 maple and pecan pastries and again, a bag of crisps.

But today is the 1st day where I am going to try and stick to it.  Already I do feel better and despite cheating I do feel like I have suspended my relationship with food.

I feel such a sense of self disgust at cheating that I can't imagine I will anymore.

Also it felt like a control issue... I had to eat those things to show myself I could if I wanted to.... to prove to myself that I don't want to.  It's like I want to do this voluntarily and feel where "the edges are".  Does that make any sense?

If I can do it for the whole 40 days (they recommend 10, 20 or 40) then I think a lot of emotional issues will come up and I think old issues that are stored at a cellular level will leave my body.

I need to do this.  I can do this.

Oh and over the weekend on Sunday, I went back to one of the books I'd abandoned a few weeks ago: "How To Do Everything and Be Happy"(it's £1.99 for Kindle) and I got to the section where I have to make 3 (or more) wishes and I wasn't even able to think, what I really wish for.  My mind goes blank.  And when I force myself to think of things, they are so mundane.

I think that is how I have got to where I am today.  I have no goals, no long-term plans, and no wishes! I don't do the lottery.  I don't think big.

Sometimes I only think 1 day ahead, or 1 nappy change ahead, or at the most, a week ahead.  I am just on a treadmill, so out of this detox process I really want to unravel myself and get to the inner me and the inner truth, and try and find out what I am all about.

After years and years of doing long hours in all my jobs since University, I don't think I stand still enough to even stop and think, or know myself...

It's sad really as I think I am only leading a half life.

That's me for now......

Liska xxx

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My stash of maple syrup

This brand of maple syrup is allowed and is from Sainsburys

Good sea salt for the salt water flush

Cayenne pepper for the lemonade

Lots of water

A glass bottle I am using to measure a "quart"

Holland and Barrett tea that I am using for the evening herbal tea that you have to have