I've nearly run away so many times, but I can't run away from myself...
We run from it - sometimes it catches up... on good days we run faster
We hide from it - sometimes it finds us ... on good days we allude it
We deny it - sometimes it makes itself known to others despite our best efforts to be "normal"
We refuse to accept it - sometimes it's our dearest friend as we nurture it like a broken teddy, as we look after ourselves, and our baby
It's worse when we're hungry - so we eat
It's worse when we're tired - so we sleep and sleep and sleep
It's worse when we are lonely so we sleepwalk through the crowds having coffee in cafes, trying to silence the pain whilst being the best friend of a total stranger
It's worse when we are solitary so we go to mass every Sunday
It's worse when we are silent so we sing at mass, sing like nobody is watching, sing like we are auditioning for X factor, sing like God himself is listening, only to us
It's worse when we can't remember who we are, so we do everything to be ourselves on the outside, while crying on the inside
The husband makes it worse not better so we push him away
His distance makes it worse
So we shout
He shouts back
So we cry
He shouts back
So when he touches, we flinch
When he doesn't, we decline
When he is lovely we're suspicious
When he's away, we're alone
When he's here we're alone
There's too much to do, so we do less, not more.
The list of things undone becomes insurmountable
The head rush of tasks too much becomes too much
The sight of jobs not done makes it worse
That makes us do less not more
We're a failure, so we retreat
We sleep, we eat
Life goes passed, really fast
The opportunities for compliments are scarce
The opportunities for criticism abound and are plentiful
Negativity jumps out as if it is larger than life
Negativity now looms larger than life and is noticeable in all its many forms
NOBODY does it right unless we do it ourselves
Nobody hears the hidden words
Nobody hears the hidden truths
Nobody walks in our shoes
Nobody feels what we feel
Nobody looks in our eyes
Nobody notices we don't look in theres
Nobody is me
The people we love, become people we hate
The pain increases; now it is a load that can be justified to be carried
Now it really hurts, now it is a job in itself to carry the load, to nurture the load
Now it is a job
Now it defines us
Now we have meaning
Now we can feel
Now, only now, we could go, silently tip toe away, and nobody would notice
Nobody would care
Everyone's been pushed to the outskirts where it would take them a while to notice that we've gone...
BUT
The baby
Who?
The baby
That one who is so near, you can't see them, because they are part of you.
When you look OUT at the world, they are so close, it's like they are part of you, NOT outside of you.
You can't see them objectively, as something separate, because they are so so so close
Photos help; they show that person, that one that is separate, that one that is adorable, that one that needs you, isn't you
That person, who is the flesh of your flesh. The one who smiles when you smile, who hurts when you hurt, who blossoms when he hears your voice. That person, who you wouldn't be without. The one who is the source of your pain but also the source of all your joy. Joy that is too large to even fit in your body, or even your soul.
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It is a brilliant thing that the Boo and Me is doing on her blog (see below). I found out about it at Michelle Twin Mum's blog, and at the blog of Mammasaurus
Please go here: http://booandme.co.uk/2011/11/25/an-amazing-thing/
Please donate to the charity or buy a raffle ticket - detailed on her blog post.
Please read the posts that she links to at the bottom of her post.
Most importantly, unveil the secret that is PND
